Saturday, January 15, 2011

Where Are the Ohioans?

(Post copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)
Although I keep trying to forget, it's winter. Still. So lately I've been plopped on the couch like a proper Midwesterner. Watching the boob-tube.

Now that I said "boob," and I have your attention, I ask you: Where are the regular people? Where are the Ohioans?

All this diversity in entertainment, all these faces in all these different skin tones, yet one thing stays the same - everyone is achingly beautiful and disgustingly fit.

I want to punch them.

As a Buckeye, (State Motto: Eat Your Food - There's Nothing Else To Do) I'm feeling, well, under-represented. Where are the wrinkles, the paunches, the bellies, the double chins? Where are the split ends, the receding hairlines, the mutts, the American cars, the crappy jobs. Hell, where are any jobs? Do these people work?

Holy Toledo, where are the old people? What have they done to the old people?

Just look at the “Desperate Housewives.” Why so desperate, skinny bitches ladies? Someone take your botox docs? Gorgeous little minxes, all of you. Chiseled cheeks, perfect hair, long legs, flat tummies, jutting hipbones...

Hipbones. I remember them from such decades as the 80s.

Want to see a Desperate Housewife? Come visit me in January. Add bored, complaining, housebound kids and 11 piles of laundry. Toss in an elderly parent requiring attention, a rag-tag collection of needy pets and a good 20-lb. stress-induced muffintop. For added desperation, drain my last Miller Lite.

But it's not just the nighttime soaps. No, even the reality shows are in on it - "Jersey Shore," "Dancing With the Stars," "Big Brother." For the most part, the participants in these programs look like they stepped out of fashion magazines...or at least out of high-end brothels.

There are a couple exceptions - for one, ABC's "The Middle." Although located in a fictional Indiana, it's pretty accurate in Mid-America interpretation, with freakishly short Frankie, freakishly tall Mike and their wonderfully weird kids. In a messy, badly decorated, Midwestern house, schlumping through life like the rest of us.

And there's TVLand's "Hot In Cleveland," featuring the usual skinny bitches supermodel types poking fun at Ohioans. But we can take a joke. Especially since the sitcom also stars a glorious, riotously funny yay for old people! Betty White. The cast may have a laugh at our expense. But they soon find themselves appreciating Midwestern living, just as the Victoria Chase character said in the pilot episode:

"Cleveland: Where everyone is eating. And no one is ashamed!"

Damn straight, Victoria. We are not ashamed, and we won't be ignored. We are Buckeyes - we have big nuts.

Heartland homeys, it's time to take back the tube and tell Holly-weird: Listen up! We want to see some more "average!" We want hard-working folks living in two-story, mill-worker row-houses, with beat-up Fords and a crabby mom who needs her roots done. Kids with messy hair, glued to electronic boxes! A dad scratching himself in front of the Ohio State game! A dog who pees on the floor! Sometimes!

Now THAT'S my house some quality, reality television.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Damn Dawn you've outdone yourself again with your average portrayal of life and exceptional words chosen to describe it. I'm a Southerner but if Ohioans eat and aren't ashamed, well, I'd consider movi.... nah. It's cold up there. But it was a damn fine piece of writing. Still laughing.

  4. Yeah, none of my housewife friends looks like they do on Wisteria Lane & my plumber certainly doesn't look like Bo Duke!! (I'd clog tbe sink regularly for that eye candy!) I don't look like Frankie & my hubs doesn't look like Mike, but it's the only show close to our family life.
    Superb!! Loved it!

  5. I thought that was the Wisconsin state motto!! You should WRITE a pilot for REAL, REAL housewives and it would be a huge success. Glad to find your new blog this morning. LOVE your stuff!

  6. I'm still stuck back there on "boob". Joking! Funny stuff, lady!

  7. Glee is based in Ohio. I think that's proof positive that TV is a lie!

  8. You're hilarious!! I feel all riled up to campaign for "Making Ohio look real on TV" and I'm not even from the States... Nice work.

  9. Jennifer and Wanda, thank you, I try very hard to be truthful. And Average. ;)Kerbi, I agree, "The Middle's" parents are still disgustingly good-looking, but at least the rest of the show is on par. Heidi, if I were to write a pilot, I'm sure it would be a re-sounding average FAIL. Sugar Free - there's more where that came from - Tits! Knockers! Arse! Joey, I don't watch Glee. I missed the boat there. And Ladycake - give up your globe-trotting and come sit on the couch with me in Ohio! It's fun! Zzzzzz

  10. Very funny! Interesting - there are scads of folks from Ohio who live in L.A. and work in the TV industry. The Buckeyes stop here.

  11. We're in a suburb of L.A. that is like Ohio, or at least we're like Ohio in our suburb, either way, we're with you sister, we're with you! Our motto on The Bench is "we've never met a snack we didn't like"

  12. Wait. What are you saying? That not everyone in America looks like the women in Desperate Housewives??? That real women DON'T look like they have an eating disorder? No!

  13. That was hilarious! I needed a laugh.
    Thanks for the follow, I look forward to more of your posts!

  14. Did I mention I live in Mississippi? We're the last at everything. Nice try but no sympathy here.

    There, all caught up on tonight's homework. Can I go out and play?

    Be back later for more.

  15. oh my what a treat this blog is to the mind!

  16. You could definitely see your enthusiasm
    within the work you write. The arena hopes for more passionate writers like you who aren't afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart.

    Here is my blog post - click here