(post copyright 2013, Dawn Weber)
Positive thinking: You're at the wrong blog.
Realistic thinking? Come, young grasshopper - sit by me.
I finally get it. That's right. I've found enlightenment, peace, all that happy horse-crap, and since it's the new year, I'd thought I'd share.
The path to happiness is . . .
Low expectations and standards.
Yep. You've heard it a thousand times, "Have hope! Chin up! Things will turn around!"
But verily, I say to you, "Have no hope! Head down and power through! Things could remain the same but will likely go straight down the shitter!"
To that end, here at the Lighten Up Center for Keepin' It Real, we have developed the "Low Expectations & Standards System," (LESS) and its message is - surprisingly enough - keep your expectations and standards low, low, low.
The "Low Expectations & Standards System" works especially well in January. Here's how "New Year's Resolutions" become "New Year's Realisms" with the LESS program.
I will probably gain at least five more pounds.
I will probably work harder . . . at checking Facebook on company time.
I will probably continue buying ridiculous amounts of material things that fail to make me happy.
I will probably glance at the clock, roll over, and go back to sleep. Every Sunday morning.
I will probably maintain or increase my intake of alcoholic beverages.
I will probably keep greedily consuming all manner of crunchy Frito-Lay products.
I will probably collect more crap and eventually end up on "Hoarders."
I will probably avoid volunteering at all costs.
I will probably only read Facebook, Pinterest and blog posts of no more than a few paragraphs.
I will probably buy more useless junk that stalls my efforts to save money and get organized, and eventually end up on "Hoarders."
I will probably quit procrastinating . . . tomorrow . . . next week . . . maybe next year . . .
I will probably be much too busy to learn anything new, what with procrastinating, hoarding and avoiding volunteering.
See there? Simply by replacing the phrase "resolve to" with "will probably," you too can find harmony and be happy with LESS, just by embracing reality. Always remember our mantra, which is not "It could be worse," but rather "It will probably get worse."
With the "Low Expectations & Standards System," there is none of that "pesky disappointment" when things don't go "your way." Because - inevitably - many things won't go your way. It's called "adulthood."
And it largely "sucks."
With that joyous thought, we at the Lighten Up! Center for Keepin' It Real wish you a very lazy, very average and - most of all - a very REALISTIC new year.
Four chapters done now, and what? Like 50 more to go to get enough for a book.
Somebody, please - hold me. Or at least send a nice box of wine,
Anyway, as promised, here's a blurb from my next book chapter, tentatively entitled "Breakin' the Law, Breakin' the Law," about riding with Grandma.
". . . Yep. Grandma got pulled over by a trooper, driving down to our house Christmas Day.
She was pleased with herself.
"What? I didn't get a ticket and I made it in record time!"
None of this surprised us. Getting stopped is what Grandma does. Over and over over again.
It's nice when the elderly have hobbies.
You've seen the older drivers, the senior citizens, the Buicks rolling along at 15 m.p.h.?
Grandma is the one flipping the bird as she passes them . . . "