It looks pretty big.
From a distance, anyway. A good-sized package - appears hot and steamy - should satisfy. It's supposed to be enough. That's what all the magazine articles say.
You draw closer - peering, tentatively touching it. Feels solid. However, after pulling off the covers, you're not sure it will do. There's really not much here. You can tell this whole thing will be over in two or three minutes.
But it's all you have. So you get it ready, warm it up. You close your eyes . . . open your mouth . . . place it on your tongue and then . . .
*BLAHHHH*
Having a Lean Cuisine for lunch again today? Please. Try and contain your excitement.
*Crickets*
Join the club. Around noon each day, all across the U.S., we - the working stiffs - stagger out of our cubicles and line up at the microwave with our sad little meals.
Bad day at work? Your lunch can ruin it completely!
Still, I can't help thinking that I get duped every time I bring in one of these things. I mean, this packaging:
Oh, Lean Cuisine, you minx. How you taunt with your sexy box. Your 'Mezzaluna Mushroom' from the 'Culinary Collection.' Like gott-dang 'Fine Dining!'
The impressive advertising fools me every time, I admit it. And I've tried most: Budget Gourmet, Weight Watchers 'Smart Ones,' Healthy Choice. They're all the same, though they go by many names. The husband calls them 'European Portions.' My college/bloggy friend Robin dubbed them 'Starvation in a box.' I call them Budget Barf:
 |
| Lunch: This too shall suck |
For a toddler.
Maybe.
Sure as hell isn't enough for me. I am a 5'2," small-framed female, but my mouth did not receive this memo, because I have an
You wouldn't like me when I'm fungry.
And let me tell you something else. Just like Joey "How YOU doin'?" Tribbiani on Friends, I. Don't. Share. Ever.
Neither does Dawn, Joey. Neither does Dawn.
Anyone attempting to split my grub will draw back a bloody hand. With a protruding knife. Yes, I will cut a bitch who wants 'a bite.'
I know, I know. I shouldn't stab people or eat that way, I should eat like the French do. French women eat small portions. French women savor their food. French women are thin and gorgeous. Blah, blah, blah - whatever.
French women suck.
I am an American girl of German lineage, raised near Youngstown around a bunch of Italians. I need some portions, yo. Some potatoes. A big plate of pasta. Or - better still - pasta made OF potatoes. Carbs with a side of carbs. Ladies and gents, I present to you, gnocchi:
*Image credit: Wikipedia
Gnocchi. (Italian for "bring on the insulin.")
So join me in my cubicle for lunch, but remember - bring your own pasta/potatoes, because Dawn and Joey don't share. We'll have gnocchi! We'll have a nap! We'll have a diabetic coma!
And those sexy packages? The Budget Barf? The European Portions? Dead to us.
That's right, Lean Cuisine. Don't tease us if you ain't gonna please us.
Yeah. Shit just got real.
43 comments:
I had to read this twice, too much laughing the first time. It is a box of connivence that is all. I saw a video on how they stage food for commercials. All fudged without the chocolate. I am willing to bet your home cooking is to die for!
xo
ray
HILARIOUS--just as the title suggests. I know exactly how you feel--those meals don't even smell good (nose-pinch worthy). My new Dawn favorite!
There is not an emoticon with a big enough smile to accurately portray my reaction, so I have to resort to ROTFFLMAO. My sentiments EXACTLY on tiny nuclear lunches. And another thing? German lineage? What's up, homie? Coming here from a long line of Fry, Strosnider, Weber (hey, maybe we're related?), Belt, German farmer genes. There is no meal if there is no potato. This is the funniest one you''ve ever done. LOVED it.
And they're not even healthy! They are all made with GMO ingredients! We need real food and adequate amounts of it! This blog is great, it's funny and makes a very valid point.
Dawn, I swear this is one of your best posts ever! and so true! Thanks for making me laugh this morning!!
LOL! Sing it, sistah!
French women suck? Cool. You know me. I like that.
As far as the Lean Cuisine...
The mushroom muzzle-loni, the what?, the mezza-lunar ravioli, the what? Fuckin' never heard if it. Judging by what it looks like when it comes out of the nuke machine, I wonder if the guy who ate it before you liked it?
This is hilarious! I completely agree with you...the only thing worse than a packaged lunch is a TV Dinner and it's mystery meat...
You American gals need to watch your portions.
I find, when it comes to Lean Cuisines, to feel satisfied, you need to eat two.
You just made airline cheese and crackers look like a treat.
Your posts are so filled with personality, Dawn, that a person could just read one post and feel like they know you. Such great voice! Thanks for the fun read.
You said it, and so very humorously too. Those "meals" are also 98% sodium and, as someone else mentioned, you need to eat (at least) two of them to start to feel full. Gnocchi, though? Now we're talking!
xoRobyn
The Dilda eats one of those every single day....I dont know how she can stomach them...they always smell like ass.
Those frozen dinners are c*** (if you know what I mean). Now I will say, have you tried Steamers? They are a fraction better than the midget frozen portions of lean cuisine and its relatives. Not a whole lot better but definitely better. I used to make enough for supper every night that I could bring leftovers to nuke for lunch at work. I would stand there in the lineup for the microwave among the hopeful with their brightly coloured packages of frozen glory...at least I knew I had enough to hold body and soul together in my container.
OMG, ser-i-ously! Budget Barf should be sued for malnourishing my muffin top! I have to WORK at this thing and one ain't gonna cut it!!!
But Dawn, seriously? Now I know why I never got ONE phone call, not ONE, to invite me for room service pizza, you fungry skinny girl!! Bwa!!
"It Looks Pretty Big"
That's what she said.
I'll leave "working stiffs" alone.
No, I won't...would those be gigolos?
Lean Cuisine: Fart in a Box
Were we separated at birth? I, too, was raised near Youngstown AND would fight small children for the last tater tot.
Fraulein, maybe you could lobby Lean Cuisine for a Helga-sized knockwurst and spaetzle special cubicle edition. I agree with Lisa's comment!
I had never heard of gnocchi until I meat my buckeye of a husband. Any time it is on the menu, he stops looking. That's what he's having. Period.
I don't particularly like the lean cuisines, but I eat them. *sigh*
French women suck and so does the perpetual diet.
RJ - I agree. And I am a good cook, but don't cook much anymore as the kids eat NOTHING that doesn't come out of a box. Not so much Budget Barf as mac and cheese, frozen pizza, etc.
Heidi - thanks for your kind words - I was worried about this one.
Gale - *blush* Glad you like it! I forgot to mention that my German grandfather was a farmer, too, so to top off my genes and Italian homies, there were always HEAPING plates of everything on Grandma's table.
Joanne - No doubt! Loaded with MSG and sodium, too. And yet, day after day I shuffle to the microwave with my sad box. Sigh.
Eva - Thank you! oooxooo. Just doin' my job and tellin' the truth.
Linda - In what key? I'll sing it, sistah!!
Ron - I doubt it. Nasty, nast-ay stuff.
Rach V - TV Dinners? Exactly the same. Although I do think TV dinner fried chicken is good. Weird, I know...
Trav - Is that right? I know a coup[e American boys who need to watch their portions...
Barb - Yes, two is always better than one.
Kelly - Cheese and crackers?! Gott-dang fine dining, I tell ya what!
Lisa - My posts are filled with somehthing, alright. Pull on your boots!!
Robyn - come on over to my cubicle! BYOGnocchi!!
Choleesa - My pod is right by the lunchroom. I am treated to the smell of smoked ass from 11-1:30 every gott-dang day.
BBJohn - I have not tried the Steamers - the name turns me off. They don't look too bad, though.
MTM - I KNOW! I eat these things and SSTILL manage to expand my muffintop every year! WTF?
Penwasser - So glad you caught my (very thinly veiled) double entendre. Can't seem to help myself ;)
Jen - What parts are you from, soul sister? BTW that's MY tot!!
Terri - Now you're talking! The Fat Fraulein frozen meal! Gnocchi, Knockwurst, spaetzle. I like it!
Dawn - gnocchi - pasta made of potatoes. I bet somewhere along the line here in Blowhio, a German woman married an Italian man, and gnocchi was born. ;)
Haha. Gross. Live a little and have a Stouffer's. Mmmm. I love the lasagna.
Zibbs - Yeah, Stouffer's lasagna does rock. Also takes for-freakin-ever to nuke. That woud start a riot here on the 25th floor lunch room.
OHMYGOD, Dawn. This is a prize winner, right here! I have to go back and read it again!
Found you through The Bearded Iris- HIlarious!!!
Girl-there are hungry kids in Africa--and even THEY WOULDN'T EAT THIS CRAP!!!! This is one of the funniest things I have read--gonna share with my peeps cause they would so relate!
Yes! How many times have I been disappointed by those stupid little boxes? Macaroni wheels, why you taste like hamster bedding and not food? Why must I play a game of "find the chicken" when I open anything frozen that claims it has chicken in it?
Iris - Thanks - for everything!
Frugalista - Thank YOU for popping over - I will hop over to your place now. :)
Mary Anne - I know, right? Thanks for sharing my valuable opinion on SUCH an important topic.
Paige - Disappointment dishes, no doubt. And your meat point - I have the same problem with cans of Campbell's soup. Where's the flippin' beef, yo?
I love love love love love you. There.
I love love love love love you. There.
Mummy - Well thank thank thank thank thank you!
I too have been seduced and lied to by the smart choice microwave lunches. Particularly potpies. They just look SO HEARTY, I just know it's gonna fill that void, warm and comfort me, be my golden-crusted Prince Charming. But you know how the story ends.
When I got disillusioned by certain high-hopes candidates of lunchtime, I made my own; if you like, I can share with you. If you make a certain amount, it's worth burning a whole evening after work doing it...and, I recently discovered, it's much faster if you're honey helps, so get Mr European-portions-lol in there...good taste, actual substance, and acceptable calories are hard to find in one dish, and it usually has to be home-cooked. Fortunately for you, I don't know HOW to do things that are difficult, so it's still pretty easy to do. Hit me back if one evening of just cooking merits 16 servings of something tasty, hearty, filling and 422 calories for a meal.
Calorie-conscious ladies gotta work together!
1Kana! How have you been? I SO admire people who pack their lunch with care, instead of throwing a box in a bag. Unfortunately, I work 10-hour days and have a 2-hour commute, so in the 20 minutes I have before I sleep each night, cooking isn't an option.
I have missed you - hopping over to your place!
HEY!!!
Where are you, girl?
Sorry I missed this one, but I just gotta say, the Lean Cuisines always smell far better than they taste.
You know what I think we need? We need a potluck.
With gin. :-)
Pearl
OH this seriously made me laugh. Just yesterday, my coworker and I walked to the overpriced market and I finally decided on some frozen monstrosity. After finally pulling it form the frozen freezer section, I looked at it and immediately put it back. She said, "Wasn't as deep as you thought it was gonna be, huh?" After snickering, I admitted that frozen box needed to be a hell of a lot deeper to satisfy this appetite.
*sigh* fungry. I like it.
Pearl - I'll bring my Crock Pot! Filled with gin!
Vixen - Deeper: always better. No dam doubt.
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