All my friends were doing it.
And if there's one thing I learned in high school, it's that doing what my friends do is
But I really didn't understand the fuss over Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, the book that's sent panties flying all across the U.S.A. - there are tens of thousands of pages of
I don't know this PERSONALLY. It's just what I hear.
Yes, porn: apparently it's why Al Gore invented the Internet. Statistics from Wikipedia so they must be true say that every second, more than 28,000 people watch pornography on the computer, and 372 people type the word "adult" into search engines. Daily, about 2.5 billion emails sent or received worldwide contain X-rated material. Approximately 2.3 billion of those emails come to me.
Right now, they call the 50 Shades sensation mommy porn - seems to soften the smut a bit. For me, the idea of 'mommy porn' isn't new, because like many sneaky, rotten 80s teens, I swiped and read all my mommy's porn back in the groovy day. The D.H. Lawrence. . . the Erica Jong . . . the Nancy Friday sexual fantasy anthologies. I am familiar with the
My friends piqued my interest, though, because the 50 Shades opinions ran rampant.
They loved it! They hated it! They loathed it but they purchased the entire trilogy!
- "Personally, I am enjoying them - and so is my husband."
- "They're O.K. - if you like smut." She said 'smut' like it was a bad thing . . .
- "They're awful books. A total waste of time . . . I read all three of them."
Well! In the interest of, um, journalism and stuff, I decided to do it. You know, read Fifty Shades of Grey. Purely for research purposes.
No, no. Don't thank me. Here at the Lighten Up! Center for Smutty Research, I'm a giver. I just give and give. So that other women didn't have to, I went ahead paid ten bucks for the Kindle version of Fifty Shades.
And now? All those bitches owe me. They owe me ten bucks. Each.
I waded through 380 pages of the most awful text I've ever read. Like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. I kept reading, because I simply couldn't believe this book was published. In fact, I hate to even call it a "book" - it's not worthy of the title.
The main character, Anastasia Steele that name! *gag*, is a 21-year-old recent college grad without a computer or email address WTF? This is the first sign that this book is complete bullshit fiction.
She is also a virgin who has never touched herself - second sign that this is complete bullshit fiction.
Within a few weeks of meeting multi-billionaire Christian Grey more name gag, thanks to his, um, "gifts", she has a laptop, Blackberry and a new car. She also has rapid, intense, multiple and simultaneous orgasms - all. the. time. Aaannnd . . . there's your last sign this is book is complete bullshit fiction.
I won't even go into the sick, demeaning, creepy relationship between Christian and Anasatasia *name gag*. That's enough ranting for a whole 'nother post.
Not only is 50 Shades of Grey the most badly written book I've ever read - apparently it had no editor. E.L. James uses the same phrases again and again. And then she uses them again.
In fact, these grossly overused words make up most of the work. Here at the Lighten Up! Center for Smutty Research, I have summed up the entire piece of trash with them, using the actual Kindle word count of each expression's usage:
"Jeez (75 times). Triple crap (92 times). My inner goddess (57 times) stares into Christian's gray eyes (31 times) as I clench (35 times) all my muscles down there (7 times) in my sex (15 times). I bite my lip (11 times) and murmur (197 times) his name as I shatter into a delicious, violent, exhausting, intense, all-consuming orgasm (135,587 times)."
*Gag*. My inner goddess just barfed.
Yeah, this book sickens me. This book saddens me. Mostly, this book disappoints me.
Fiction is difficult to write. I know it is - I've tried it. And my writing is far from perfect, too - see phrases "on account of" and "whole 'nother post", above.
But thousands of writers, including yours truly, submit manuscripts to literary agents who either completely ignore them or summarily reject their work after reading two sentences of a painstakingly assembled query package. And this trash piece sailed from Twilight web fan-fiction to paperback in the blink of Christian's gray eyes (again - 31 times).
I bet that really bothers this author - I bet she's crying all the way to the bank. Excuse me while I sob quietly in my cubicle. Clearly, I need to write
The only good thing about the 50 Shades phenomenon? Another mini sexual revolution. Ladies are reading this poolside, beach-side, bed-side, and somehow this fad makes it o.k. to read erotica, for women to admit they have a healthy, perfectly natural interest in sex.
But girlfriends, please. If you want to read some smut, some mommy porn, swipe your mommy's porn - the D.H. Lawrence . . . the Erica Jong . . . the Nancy Friday sexual fantasy anthologies. I hear the Anne Rice (pseudonym A.N. Roquelaure) Sleeping Beauty Trilogy is fantastic. I plan to check it out. You know, purely for research purposes.
The bottom line? PLENTY of good erotic fiction, by far better writers, exists - some of it even posted for free right there on Al Gore's Internet.
I don't know this PERSONALLY - it's just what I hear.
40 comments:
I will comment again, right after I stop laughing
and to check my e mail, someone may have forwarded something to me truly for research and my opinion
LOL! Gee, can't you just come out and tell us what you really think? ;)
Thank you for confirming my belief that this book is not for me! Even better yet, I don't even have to spend anything to get D.H. Lawrence on my Kindle!
Jeez - my inner goddess murmurs many thanks for this review ;) Have been wondering whether I should read the book/s, now I know I shouldn't bother.
My subconscious says to tell you "Well done." As she straightens her spectacles, clears her throat, sits back down and grabs her Danielle Steele book and a martini.
Oh, Dawn, so glad to hear you think the same way I do...I thought I was the only one who didn't "get" these books. I also fell into the "everybody's doing it" trap -- not something I normally do -- and was so disappointed. Of course, I am only 1/3 of the way through the first book (Oh yes, kick me now, I bought the whole trilogy as it was such a "good deal" on Amazon). At this point, my only comment is: "Seriously, Ana. If you think that little of yourself to follow this guy around, why not have him buy you a leash as well as the blackberry and laptop?" (Of course, as I said, I am only 1/3 of the way through, so he may do this). I'll let you know when I finish...
I have heard about the book, and I know a couple of people who have read it... the whole premise just did nothing for me.
But I skip all the sex bits in most things I read, it's just boring to read about.
Much more fun to do it.
:)
So you loved it then? And what did Joel think of your research?(Snickers.)
Yes, I am in 7th grade.
:)
I thank you for confirming another review I read. I will save my money for something worth reading.
One of the girls in the office bought it and then e-mailed it to the rest of us girls as a pdf. I never made it past page 187. Needless to say, I didn't have much to contribute in the office discussions.
My inner goddess would like to join your inner goddess in the vommitorium.
I too bought it to see what the fuss was all about. Made it half way through, but once she started biting her lower lip AGAIN, I couldn't take it any more. Your review is spot on -- oh, and I do have Sleeping Beauty, and the beauty of that is that Anne Rice can actually write. It's also worth checking out Anais Nin -- she practically invented erotica.
Love the Lighten Up! Center for Smutty Research. I used to steel Harold Robbins books from my mother. Yes, I'm showing my age. Having read the Grey series and have no interest - showing my age again. Thanks for the review.
I used to read Harold Robbins too--smut has always been there, we just forgot about it until "Grey". Thanks for the review--I feel like I've read it thanks to you.
If the book were only as good as your review!
Business Time lyrics by Flight mof the Conchords
"Girl, tonight we?re gonna make love
You know how I know? Because it's Wednesday
And Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love
Monday night is my night to cook
Tuesday night we go and visit your mother
But Wednesday, we make sweet weekly love"...
Call me sweet weekly love or just call me, I'm your back door shades of grey :).
RJ - Are you sure you're not checking your email for other reasons ;) ?
Linda - haha, no doubt! My review was far kinder than most others I see on this book, though.
Paula - That's right! Ole D.H. Lawrence should be public domain now, right? Where's my Ipad...
Zella - Here at the Lighten Up! Center for Smutty Research, we are glad to provide this public service.
Mari - My subconscious wants your subconscious to make her a martini. Stat.
Mary Beth - I know you personally, and I am surprised you fell with me into the "everybody's doing it" trap. Oh well - at least we're getting some amusement from the awful writing. Mrs. Mauch would have a field day with this, right?
Ami - Totally agree! I'd rather 'do it' any day! ;)
MTM - But you're my very favorite 7th grader...
Eva - I do what I can to save folks money. Public service. Research.
NextinLine - I am def "researching" Sleeping Beauty next. And you're right about Anais Nin, but my Mom didn't have her books back in the 80s, so I couldn't steal them. Read one or two since, though.
Terri and Heidi - Mom had a lot of Harrold Robbins, too. But once I found the Nancy Friday books, I didn't need to look any further for smut. Wow.
Lisa - Thank you! The literary agents are just banging down my door! Not at all!
Ron - Now I must youtube that dam song...hilarious.
Rob and I like to laugh at our aging body parts and rope in the house means we're changing the anchor line, again.
(The flame and the Flower stuffed into my math book. I don't even remember if it was good, but at thirteen ... )
Indeed, indeed, indeed. See how supportive I am here, in my first comment ever to your blog? This review is so spot on, particularly your closing about how good erotica exists in reams, for free, on the Interwebbies.
So yes: the phenomenon of this book? Ugh. Gag. Blech.
I coulda told you it sucked ass and I never read it.
True Story (hey, aren't they all? Well...ah...no):
I saw this "Housewife Porn" on the desk at work. My boss asked its owner to turn it face-down. I had never heard of it so I asked, "How bad can it be?"
I was told it was pretty racy. I commented that I could tell if a book has "dirty parts" in it by my casually flipping through it. Well, I flipped to a page in the book and the VERY FIRST WORD ON THE VERY FIRST PAGE was 'nipple.'
I immediately put it down. And then called Mrs. Penwasser to ask if she could pick it up at Barnes and Noble.
By the way, I like that you use "pique" in a sentence. I played it in "Words With Friends" and got 154 frikkin' points. Yikes.
I'm old enough to remember "Peyton Place," and "Lolita." Thanks for exposing this 50 Shades of Crap for what it is. How desperate does a woman have to be to get off on this crap? One said to me, "Oh, it's just brain candy?" I thought, I don't put junk food in my body. Why would I put it in my brain?
Enough crap out there telling me the book was a load of vomit and not to bother. For better smut and true to life writing, hit up the Playgirl magazine. At least it has pictures!
Well I'm so glad I read this. My co-workers have been raving about it, but it just didn't ring right with me and so I've not caved. Now I know I made the right choice. Well done!
I think the book is for women that can't feel erotic on their own or have mates that don't know how to get them worked up.
I really like you, Dawn. Thank you for the enlightenment. This is a wonderfully honest post. I too was wondering what and why all the fuss. All I'd read thus far is that "inner goodness" is overused. Ya think? Had she used the term once, she'd have overused it.
Thanks again, friend, for telling it like it is and making me laugh. Please keep us posted on Rice's Sleeping Beauty. I've heard good things too.
xoRobyn
Diva - "The Flame and the Flower", huh? Where's my library card?
Jocelyn - Yes, but again, I don't know this PERSONALLY. It's just what I hear. ;)
Bama - Why didn't you tell me? You could have saved me ten bucks.
Penwasser - What is the name of this book? You have "piqued" my interest.
Jayne - I just don't want people to waste their time, when their such wonderful authors abound. Authors such as Jayne Martin.
Robyn - well, I heart you, too! And I hated to do a bad review, I really do - it's the first completely negative review I've ever done. But this book is just so atrociously awful, I couldn't believe it. Had to warn people to STAY AWAY!
Well, not that I was GOING to read 50 Shades of Barf but, thanks for saving me the time and misery lol.
Hey, Heyyy,
waiting on a post darlin so, unless there's another derecho, I'd better hear a little typing. That's right, clickety click, clickety click.
Oh sorry, I just miss you and need a little fix :)
Baby John - Glad to have helped you save some Cash. I am all about the public service.
Diva - Are you crackin' the whip? Like Christian Grey? My inner goddess is frightened. And writing *Clickety Click*
Hmm, Christen Grey?
Ah, no. I wear fishing shirts, flip flops, cash a meager paycheck and thanks to B&J, sport a pot belly. As for the extracricular activities, Rob and I bond by laughing at each others body parts.
Tic toc Dawn, tic toc
I would really really hate to read bad writing for an entire book even if the sex scenes were good. Somehow, though, porn movies work no matter how bad they are.
Loved your review - I thought it sucked as well - poorly structured, predictable and the sex wasn't AROUSING at all. So boo to that - and I most definitely didn't read the second and third one. My book club were thrilled that I "took one for the team" - none of them are reading it. So that's 9 women who won't read it. Sigh. I wish I'd read your review before I picked it up. Luckily I borrowed it. Heh.
Are you sure there's any good erotic fiction out there? A lot of people enjoy having dramatic readings of these things and so far, all of them are terrible.
So far, my favorite line is "He entered her like the lottery".
This was great. I like you think there is too much great stuff out there too read that I don't have enough time or energy to read. Why would I want to waste my time with this? My father-in-law (who was an art major in college many years ago) picked up the book at a bookstore thinking it was an art book. Someone he knew in the store told him differently.
Diva - I'm workin' on it. :) Silly things keep getting in the way - parenting, working, perpetually loading the dishwasher.
Murr - Totally agree. ;)
Bridgette - Also agree. Not arousing at all. No plot, no characters, bad writing, lame sex. We just saved everybody ten bucks again.
Dwei - Again, I don't know about the erotica PERSONALLY. It's just what I hear. But yes, if you look (and look and look) I hear there is good stuff out there. ;)
SouthMain - Lol at your FIL, bless his heart. Can you imagine if he'd brought that thing home, thinking he had purchased a book about the photographic gray scale? Oy.
~the sound of me closing the virtual cover~
Slam! Bam! Thank you, ma'am!!!
Appreciate you saving me the ~energy~.
Multiple times.
Still haven't read any of the trilogy, because I've heard the same reviews of the writing. Boggles the mind that she's making so much money because of it, but I don't fault her for getting her stuff out there. Plenty of people enjoy the storyline, but I imagine, as an editor, I'll want to scratch her eyes out before I'm done with the first chapter. Ah well.
Thank you, thank you, thank YOU Dawn. You just saved me ten bucks.
Sadly, my mommy's porn is 50 Shades...which is another reason I don't want to read it. Because...uh...gross.
Susan - We are all about savings, here at the Lighten Up! Center for Smutty Research...
Liar - Good point - I don't mean to fault her. Just paying actual money for such AWFUL writing frosted me. I expected more from the publishing industry. Silly me.
Iris - That's ten bucks more for a couple of boxes of wine, my friend! :)
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