All my friends were doing it.
And if there's one thing I learned in high school, it's that doing what my friends do is
But I really didn't understand the fuss over Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, the book that's sent panties flying all across the U.S.A. - there are tens of thousands of pages of
I don't know this PERSONALLY. It's just what I hear.
Yes, porn: apparently it's why Al Gore invented the Internet. Statistics from Wikipedia so they must be true say that every second, more than 28,000 people watch pornography on the computer, and 372 people type the word "adult" into search engines. Daily, about 2.5 billion emails sent or received worldwide contain X-rated material. Approximately 2.3 billion of those emails come to me.
Right now, they call the 50 Shades sensation mommy porn - seems to soften the smut a bit. For me, the idea of 'mommy porn' isn't new, because like many sneaky, rotten 80s teens, I swiped and read all my mommy's porn back in the groovy day. The D.H. Lawrence. . . the Erica Jong . . . the Nancy Friday sexual fantasy anthologies. I am familiar with the
My friends piqued my interest, though, because the 50 Shades opinions ran rampant.
They loved it! They hated it! They loathed it but they purchased the entire trilogy!
- "Personally, I am enjoying them - and so is my husband."
- "They're O.K. - if you like smut." She said 'smut' like it was a bad thing . . .
- "They're awful books. A total waste of time . . . I read all three of them."
Well! In the interest of, um, journalism and stuff, I decided to do it. You know, read Fifty Shades of Grey. Purely for research purposes.
No, no. Don't thank me. Here at the Lighten Up! Center for Smutty Research, I'm a giver. I just give and give. So that other women didn't have to, I went ahead paid ten bucks for the Kindle version of Fifty Shades.
And now? All those bitches owe me. They owe me ten bucks. Each.
I waded through 380 pages of the most awful text I've ever read. Like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. I kept reading, because I simply couldn't believe this book was published. In fact, I hate to even call it a "book" - it's not worthy of the title.
The main character, Anastasia Steele that name! *gag*, is a 21-year-old recent college grad without a computer or email address WTF? This is the first sign that this book is complete bullshit fiction.
She is also a virgin who has never touched herself - second sign that this is complete bullshit fiction.
Within a few weeks of meeting multi-billionaire Christian Grey more name gag, thanks to his, um, "gifts", she has a laptop, Blackberry and a new car. She also has rapid, intense, multiple and simultaneous orgasms - all. the. time. Aaannnd . . . there's your last sign this is book is complete bullshit fiction.
I won't even go into the sick, demeaning, creepy relationship between Christian and Anasatasia *name gag*. That's enough ranting for a whole 'nother post.
Not only is 50 Shades of Grey the most badly written book I've ever read - apparently it had no editor. E.L. James uses the same phrases again and again. And then she uses them again.
In fact, these grossly overused words make up most of the work. Here at the Lighten Up! Center for Smutty Research, I have summed up the entire piece of trash with them, using the actual Kindle word count of each expression's usage:
"Jeez (75 times). Triple crap (92 times). My inner goddess (57 times) stares into Christian's gray eyes (31 times) as I clench (35 times) all my muscles down there (7 times) in my sex (15 times). I bite my lip (11 times) and murmur (197 times) his name as I shatter into a delicious, violent, exhausting, intense, all-consuming orgasm (135,587 times)."
*Gag*. My inner goddess just barfed.
Yeah, this book sickens me. This book saddens me. Mostly, this book disappoints me.
Fiction is difficult to write. I know it is - I've tried it. And my writing is far from perfect, too - see phrases "on account of" and "whole 'nother post", above.
But thousands of writers, including yours truly, submit manuscripts to literary agents who either completely ignore them or summarily reject their work after reading two sentences of a painstakingly assembled query package. And this trash piece sailed from Twilight web fan-fiction to paperback in the blink of Christian's gray eyes (again - 31 times).
I bet that really bothers this author - I bet she's crying all the way to the bank. Excuse me while I sob quietly in my cubicle. Clearly, I need to write
The only good thing about the 50 Shades phenomenon? Another mini sexual revolution. Ladies are reading this poolside, beach-side, bed-side, and somehow this fad makes it o.k. to read erotica, for women to admit they have a healthy, perfectly natural interest in sex.
But girlfriends, please. If you want to read some smut, some mommy porn, swipe your mommy's porn - the D.H. Lawrence . . . the Erica Jong . . . the Nancy Friday sexual fantasy anthologies. I hear the Anne Rice (pseudonym A.N. Roquelaure) Sleeping Beauty Trilogy is fantastic. I plan to check it out. You know, purely for research purposes.
The bottom line? PLENTY of good erotic fiction, by far better writers, exists - some of it even posted for free right there on Al Gore's Internet.
I don't know this PERSONALLY - it's just what I hear.