Thursday, December 8, 2011

Beer for Your Bra? Abso-flippin-lutely!

Let's face it - boobs can be some worrisome sonsabitches.

They bounce. They sag. Sometimes, they hurt. They bring mammograms and medical worries and Pamela Andersons.

Really, our breasts are appreciated mostly by the men and babies in our lives. Infants seek them for sustenance, while guys like our coconuts for purely recreational purposes.

It's true - as I mentioned last week - that my bouncers have given me superpowers. But I am not immune to the problems they cause.

So ladies, I have a question: What have your blinkers done for YOU lately? Not a whole helluva lot?

That's all about to change, because girls - I bring you glad tidings of great joy.

Now your knobbers can work for you, with the Wine Rack sports bra!

This here hooter-holster holds up to 750 ml or 25 oz. of fluid, which is, conveniently, the amount of liquid in one bottle of wine, or one swig shy of two standard beers. As you can see from the helpful website, you simply fill the bra's polyurethane bladder with your "favorite beverage," put it on, run the "drinking tube as you wish" and then, apparently, suck away.

It's a gott-dang boobie beer bong.

Yes, we can now produce alcohol, basically, from our own chi-chi's gag! . That? Right there? Is disgusting! Klassy with a K, people! Where's my debit card?

No more pesky wine glasses, no more chilled chardonnay, no frosty beer mugs, thank-you-very-much. I'll take my hooch through a plastic tube at a balmy, possibly sweaty 98.6.

I get nauseous thirsty just thinking about it.

But wait! There's more! Of course there is! The manufacturer says that the Wine Rack, when filled, can transform your size B mammies into DD doozies. This will, apparently, make you extremely happy, and I have the pictures to prove it. Just look at this girl:

Before: Empty Wine Rack:

It's so frustrating, living life as a B-cup and a size 2.

After: Full Wine Rack:
Shazam! Now her life is complete!

I'm sure all three of my male readers are disappointed that the Wine Rack is obviously designed for females and transvestite hookers. Fear not, fellas, for I have good news for you, too.

The Beer Belly strap-on contraption holds 80 oz., or more than a sixer, of beverages. Haven't you always wanted a six-pack stomach?

And - when the fluid eventually works its way out - the Beer Belly could maybe serve as a handy catheter?

Which is the catheter, which is the Beer Belly? Hard to tell. 
Kidding aside, the true glory of the these products lies in the fact that you can take your tepid beverages with you anywhere - to football games, concerts, church, staff meetings, parent-teacher conferences...

You know - all the places you need a shot.

So, this holiday season, grab a Wine Rack or a Beer Belly for the lushes special people in your life.

Because nothing says "Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus!" better than a bra full of body-temperature booze.


  1. It's not often I'm rendered speechless. As much as I love my booze on the go and was wishing I had a flask on the last field trip (I kid, I kid!), this is just.....lacking a cooling if they finda way to put ice in that contraption, let me know and I'm in!
    Too funny, Dawn. Only you would unearth this. I hope you bring one to EBWW!

  2. Wow! And to think, I was having such a hard time deciding what I wanted for Christmas. Thanks! ;)

    (Seriously, I am hiding this post from my hubs. Because if he thought he could suck booze from my boobs, he'd never go to work.)

  3. Now I think you're going to make your millions reviewing products like this. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? How did you ever discover this? Coconuts for recreational purposes---LOL!

  4. I saw this in one of the 8347665216542 catalogs I now receieve,thanks to my Mother, God rest her. I laughed and laughed and really wish I had thought of such a clever post. You have a knack, my friend, if not knockers.

  5. I posted about this contraption a year or so ago, but I didn't realize they now have a beer belly, too! lol And I loved your term "hooter holster!"

  6. Since my daughter was going away to college in a year I have been searching and searching for the perfect graduation gift.
    Oh gosh, can you imagine, the drunken new female on campus with hidden under-age alcohol and tig old bitties. She would be the most popular girl at school! LOL
    Thanks for the laugh. You have done a wonderful job as usual Dawn!!

  7. i love this and you described it beautifully! i just posted a link on fb with the glowing review that i wish i'd written it myself.
    hilarious! who needs a boob job when you can just wear your liquor treats in your bra for big hoots and the pleasure of suckling yourself. win/win situation.

  8. I found this post thanks to Sherilinnie. My god. My hoots are so sore now with all the extra water they're holding, like the giant PMS PAIN SACKS that they are, that just thinking of attaching ice cold beer to them actually made them hiss.

  9. Dawn, hee-larious! A great gift for the woman who has everything, 80 proof tits!

  10. As a solid B cup, I'm here to tell you that I've gotten where I am in life based on my chest size.


    Just sittin' at my desk, drinking from my bra,


  11. For some of us though....we really do NOT need a gadget that pushes our cup size up from a DD to a EEE...I don't care WHAT that would do for a man. Let 'em turn it into a wine or beer Jock strap. Now THAT I would buy and super glue to hubby's nads!!! Let's see how he likes it.

    Brilliant post!

  12. "They bounce. They sag. Sometimes, they hurt."
    And, even, occasionally if you're a dude.

  13. Just another reason to gaze longingly at your....eyes!

  14. Hooter holster had me cracking up! I just would not recommend using the bra for beer and running. It's a sports bra, right? But then runners aren't usually drinking on the fly, so... oh nevermind.

    What if you are already wearing a Double D? Would this make them like porn star size???

  15. I'm already wired to the box wines.

    Yo, I'm sucking on those Merlots.

  16. I got nothing.
    No smart ass comment. No quips.

    You've done the impossible.
    I'm speechless.

  17. MTM - I will bring one to the Erma conference, but the question is which? I really like the dual functionality, a.k.a. catheter capabilities, of the Beer Belly.
    Linda G. - "If my hub could suck beer from my boobs, he'd never go to work." Classic. I wish I'd written that!
    Heidi - you keep telling me I'm going to be rich from my writing. When will that be? WHEN?
    Dawn - Moms are great for catalogs like that, no?
    Eva - Dirty, er, Great minds think alike!
    Mari - I hope your daughter doesn't cause near as much trouble as you and I did in college ;) .
    Sherilyn - I am happy to bring you useful product information such as this. And a big old THANK YOU for pimping me on Facebook! Pimpin' ain't easy!
    Karen - Gurrrlll, I am with you on the pain. Mine hissed, too.
    Barb - I know, right?!
    Pearl - "Just sittin' at my desk, drinkin' from my bra." Classic. Wish I'd written that!
    Marlia - I agree. But sadly, I bet, most men would enjoy that.
    Al - Get yourself a Wine Rack! Strap those Moobs up!
    R.J. - My eyes are up here.
    Pixie - I think this would take DD's off the charts. They don't make a size for that.
    Ron - Ain't nothing wrong with box wine. Boob wine? Different story.

  18. Does this mean that at the EB conference we'll toast with a chest bump?

  19. This just confirms for me why I have never seen ANYONE eat ANYTHING out of a Fanny Pack.

  20. What if you are already a DD? What size would that be.
    And you'd have to have warm booze or freezing boobs- you get the added bouncy of that special nipply look.

  21. Lisa - Absolutely!
    Robert - Fanny packs are a blog post waiting to happen. I can feel it.
    Ruth - Exactly. And I don't want either warm booze or freezing boobs.

  22. Another great column! There was a column in there, right? (Sorry, I was distracted by the pictures and I can't remember.) Oh well, I can't wait for your next one!

  23. This is hilarious, Dawn, but I already have DD doozies. There's no room for a drop of beer in these bazookas. Where's the big bosomed version?

    Love ya and thanks for the laughs.

  24. A wine rack for your rack? Great idea, except - maybe the fluid would be too warm.

  25. I think the bra is a lot more classier than the gut.

    But that could just be my male brain talking.

  26. Anthony - Exactly. Either cold boobs or warm beer. And I'm not a fan of either.
    DWei - Klassy with a K, right? ;)

  27. Okay, for realzies? The number and hilarity of names you come up with for boobies and bras in this post is seriously impressive! LOVED this. Loved this SO HARD. Honest to God, if they could design a way to keep my hooch cold, I'd buy it. It would solve my sagging issue and my need for hooch-on-the-go in one shot.

  28. This is what you got me for Christmas right? It is really freakin KLASSY! Love it! You are a nut! Where do you find these things?

  29. Oh Lord. I don't think my wine rack would keep Bordeaux at the correct temperature, resulting in spoilage.

  30. This will come in unbelievably handy for the next funeral I have to attend.