They bounce. They sag. Sometimes, they hurt. They bring mammograms and medical worries and Pamela Andersons.
Really, our breasts are appreciated mostly by the men and babies in our lives. Infants seek them for sustenance, while guys like our coconuts for purely recreational purposes.
It's true - as I mentioned last week - that my bouncers have given me superpowers. But I am not immune to the problems they cause.
So ladies, I have a question: What have your blinkers done for YOU lately? Not a whole helluva lot?
That's all about to change, because girls - I bring you glad tidings of great joy.
Now your knobbers can work for you, with the Wine Rack sports bra!
This here hooter-holster holds up to 750 ml or 25 oz. of fluid, which is, conveniently, the amount of liquid in one bottle of wine, or one swig shy of two standard beers. As you can see from the helpful website, you simply fill the bra's polyurethane bladder with your "favorite beverage," put it on, run the "drinking tube as you wish" and then, apparently, suck away.
It's a gott-dang boobie beer bong.
Yes, we can now produce alcohol, basically, from our own chi-chi's gag! . That? Right there? Is disgusting! Klassy with a K, people! Where's my debit card?
No more pesky wine glasses, no more chilled chardonnay, no frosty beer mugs, thank-you-very-much. I'll take my hooch through a plastic tube at a balmy, possibly sweaty 98.6.
But wait! There's more! Of course there is! The manufacturer says that the Wine Rack, when filled, can transform your size B mammies into DD doozies. This will, apparently, make you extremely happy, and I have the pictures to prove it. Just look at this girl:
Before: Empty Wine Rack:
It's so frustrating, living life as a B-cup and a size 2.
After: Full Wine Rack:
Shazam! Now her life is complete!
I'm sure all three of my male readers are disappointed that the Wine Rack is obviously designed for females and transvestite hookers. Fear not, fellas, for I have good news for you, too.
The Beer Belly strap-on contraption holds 80 oz., or more than a sixer, of beverages. Haven't you always wanted a six-pack stomach?
And - when the fluid eventually works its way out - the Beer Belly could maybe serve as a handy catheter?
|Which is the catheter, which is the Beer Belly? Hard to tell.|
You know - all the places you need a shot.
So, this holiday season, grab a Wine Rack or a Beer Belly for the lushes special people in your life.
Because nothing says "Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus!" better than a bra full of body-temperature booze.