Honey, I’m almost home!
And, for the three days I’ve been away, I know damn well no toys were picked up, no sunscreen was applied and no veggies were eaten. I doubt any one of you took a bath.
It’s like “Animal House” up in here.
Being away from my family doesn’t happen often. When it does, both sides secretly look forward to the break.
I look forward to time alone. Time to think, read…maybe apply some moisturizer.
My husband and kids look forward to a frat party. They buy junk-food snacks. They buy drinks. They consume their snacks and drinks in mismatched pajamas, chips and Cheetos falling carefree to the floor. For them, life is good.
Just to peeve myself off, sometimes I like to sit and imagine what it's like while I’m gone. Close your eyes and walk with me, if you will, around the Weber house on a standard weekend sans Mean Mom:
In room one, we have my husband. Laying on the striped couch, because it’s the only place left where a toy won’t poke his privates. He’s watching “World’s Greatest Helicopters” on the Military Channel. Again. There are snacks. There are drinks. He is happy.
Walking up a few steps to room two, there’s my daughter, on the computer. Again. Probably Facebook. No doubt she’s hunched over, not sitting up straight. This is because I’m not there to yell “Sit up straight!” There are snacks. There are drinks. She is happy.
Follow me down to the basement. There’s my son, playing Wii on the big-screen. Pajama bottoms only, no shirt - jumping around, killing the bad guys and flinging Cheetos in his wake. There are snacks. There are drinks. He is happy.
Now, walk with me upstairs in this imaginary-but-very-accurate scene, and sit at the table beside me. Because I am going to cry. I am not happy.
Seriously. How do these people think they’re going to survive with all this junk food, screen-time and general lack of good posture? I tell you, these guys are lucky. God gave them Mean Mom for a reason.
So I better get out of this guided imagery B.S. and get on home. It’s time to save the family.
And I know just how I’ll find them - in front of those brightly-lit screens, dazed and drooling - into the Doritos.